Time Warp

July must be the month where everything on your mind or everything bothering you comes back all at once and suddenly you have to deal with it.
I'm not having very great conversations with my mother because for the last month and a half I THOUGHT she has been seriously coming to move back. I thought this was different then the million other half hearted mentions of coming back to live in Oregon for a year now. Apparently from what my Aunt Shiela and Jamie an Gramma have been saying, my moms heart is REALLY not into coming and she just is putting it off and/or putting off telling me. My mom also emailed me saying she might not be here as soon as was expected bla bla bla. If at all...
I'm fine with "my mom is going to do what she wants in the long run" and all that. What I am not fine with is the beating around the bush. The back an forth. The hope then let down. I just wish she would make up her own mind, and stick to it. Live in Oregon or don't. Her decision but she has to actually make it. I guess i just don't understand why she would even mention she is coming unless she were sure. Why bother letting me down!?
Destanie and I have emailed each other a few times and seem to be on the same page about where we are at. Friends? Probably. Enemies? No. Best Friends, not really anymore. Could we be again, don't know, anything is possible. Would I like to see where things got on their own? It would be nice. Have I forgotten everything good and bad? Definitely not. My biggest issue as I did explain to her is TRUST. I'm not saint. Not by a long one. But, and this isn't necessarily all on her, there was FAR FAR too much shit talking, misunderstanding, and just plain attacking of opinions by the lot of Ricky's family and I am afraid honestly that one wrong word or action will start it all over again. There are things everyone doesn't like or agree with about EVERYONE, but I think there are more tactful ways to deal with it than high school gossip and threats and downright bullying.
As nice as it would be to have fun around those I used to have fun with, I am giving this a chance for Eva and Rick too. Eva doesn't get a lot of interaction with not only kids her age but with ANY FAMILY. Candi and Shelly would rather have their kids around Amanda's kids everyday than stop by and see Eva, even maybe once a month. Which doesn't happen even that routinly. My own mom, Ricks own mom, neither of our sisters, seem to really care about making an effort to be in Eva's life and its wearing on my heart HEAVILY. Rick says well we don't make an effort to see Mirella and Gio and Anahi and Jose etc... So why can we blame them..? I don't know. I just think it is different. They drive to each other's houses and out to Amanda's and they all hang out and thats fine, but its not like I can pack up Eva in the car that Rick has at work, and I'm definitely not meeting them over at Amanda's house so what exactly do I have the ability to do? Shelly lives in Clackamas. She comes all the way out to Cornelius ALL THE TIME and never stops by. WE ARE NEVER IN CLACKAMAS. Same with Lupe. She is in Cornelius ALL THE TIME. or nearby in Hillsboro. Her shit is in our house, and she has visited Eva less times than fingers I have on my hands. SINCE SHE WAS BORN. My mom too. She has the choice to get up here and she'd rather be in Denver with no food, job, and a threat of losing her apt. She's seen her more than Lupe has, even living hundreds of miles away but still I just don't get it. Maybe I have too much time on my hands and am OVERLY concerned about it. Its just thoughts in my own head and things I discuss with Ricky. People are going to do what they are going to do so I have to live with it. I actually was crying to my gramma on the phone about this and she just tells me Eva is not lacking for anything. Attention or otherwise. I just cant help but feel thats not true. I hope I'm just over thinking things. For Eva.

Anyway before I got on that off subject I was saying it was nice for Eva and Rick both if I could bury the hatchet with certain people. Ricky gets out enough with some friends, but I know he and I both miss other things we used to be able to look forward to. Or something?

I tell myself nothing will ever be the same, but I can still give a chance to the way things COULD be. I just have to TRUST. Even though trust usual gets me hurt.